I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
