Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
