Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
