The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
