He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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