Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
