I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
