I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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