Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
