My girlfriend figured out who you are.
please come you make the beer taste better
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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