Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Randomize
