she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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