ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
