I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
