I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
