I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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