OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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