The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
