the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
