I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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