If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We are two peas in an std pod
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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