then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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