Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
