I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
