I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
