Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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