apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
