My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
