I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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