The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
