saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
