Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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