Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
