The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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