My Higher Power is John Stamos
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
