hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
