I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
