she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
