Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
