Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
