I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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