I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
and she was petting her beer can
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
