Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
