Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
