I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
