uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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