I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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