im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I looked at my own cervix.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize