I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
