just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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