this beer tastes like vomit already
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
