Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
