I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize