I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
