Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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