I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i think i have herpe
just one?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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