My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
