you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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