I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
there is glitter all over my balls
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
