dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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