connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
