my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
