I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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