I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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