Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
