Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
