The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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