i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I could make wine with my vomit
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
