No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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