My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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